Take Care: Breathing through it

I had a friend ask for some ideas about handling exceptionally difficult and stressful circumstances. There are many situations I have never faced and would never claim to speak to, but I do want to share what I've found to be helpful in times that seem really dark.

My underlying beliefs:

- listening to and not judging your emotions does not mean you will or should act on them right away.

- paying attention to your breathing and your emotional state does not mean you aren't paying attention to what's happening around you and recognize it's importance

- boundaries do not mean you have ceased to care about others, it does mean that your care for them and your care for yourself go hand in hand

- asking for help is a good thing, that does not always mean you will get what you're asking for immediately (other people can and should have boundaries, too). 

- Asking is an invitation to relationship- if you have a demand (which are sometimes called for), that's a different list. If you're not sure if you have an ask or a demand, it would serve you and others well to clarify that for yourself before you share it (this is an adapted principle from Non-Violent Communication). Your experiences and pain are always valid but shouldn't be weaponized against others or used to dehumanize others (again, that's not to say that demands don't have an important place or that all behavior should be tolerated- absolutely not! Resistance to evil, injustice, and darkness of all kinds is essential work. I also do believe, in line with my Quaker practice, that there is "that of God in everyone," a beautiful and good humanity that cannot be entirely lost, though people may do evil things that should be stopped. My work in resisting evil necessitates that I not dehumanize those that commit evil). 

It feels a little odd to type all of this out-- my experience with being present with others in crisis or transition is limited, but most often occurs in the moment. I encourage deep breathing by breathing deeply, I ask gentle questions as needed to explore what they are feeling/needing. My hope is that you take whatever is helpful from below and throw out anything that doesn't serve you well!

Breathing through it 

1. This advice is repeated often because it is essential and will be helpful to you almost immediately and virtually without fail: breathe. Find a safe(r) place, find a place to focus on or close your eyes, and take a big breath in, counting to five. Exhale, counting to five. Inhale, counting to five. Exhale, counting to six or more. Try to make your exhales longer than your inhales. Keep breathing in and out, visualizing all that good oxygen going to your brain, to your hands, to your likely-tired feet. 

2. Keep breathing. Notice what you're feeling, and if you can, where you feel it in your body. Do you feel rage in your chest? Anxiety in your shoulders? Exhausted alllllll over? Notice your feelings and name them without judging them as good or bad, just acknowledge that they're present and that you're experiencing them. 

3. Keep breathing. As you name these feelings without judging them, consider your current context and what your feelings are encouraging or pushing you to do, or what they're keeping you from doing. What will your next step be? You might know in your gut, you might need some more time, or you might need some help. Know that your needs matter and that your feelings are okay. 

4. Keep breathing. If  you feel overwhelmed and need to remove yourself from a situation, you can say "hey, I am feeling really overwhelmed and need to take some time. This ___ is outside of my bandwidth right now, so I'm going to go to my room/to sit in my car/on a walk/home/to my friend or partners home/into this coffeeshop to take a minute. I will reconnect with you another time/later today/in a few minutes." 

5. Keep breathing. If you need to stay in your current context, either because you don't have other options or because you've decided you want to be there, even if it's hard, you can employ some boundaries. If you're feeling heightened or crowded, you can say "I need some space right now, but I'm going to stay here with you." 

6. Keep breathing. If your mind is racing or you feel unsafe or panicky, you can keep breathing. In and out. Do you have someone to call that can either come get you out of the situation, be with you, or tell you they love you? Can you google a hotline to call someone who is able to listen to you and share in what's happening? If you are safe for the moment, can you keep breathing, knowing that the moments will keep passing and you will, you WILL get to one when you can breathe a little easier? You are not and don't need to feel like you're riding this out alone.